


Impossible Year

by Andedan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012, 2012 Phan, 2012 angst, 2012 phan angst, Angst, Based On A Panic! At The Disco Song, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, P!ATD, Panic! at the Disco - Freeform, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Songfic, andedan, i wrote this half a year ago i know it's not my best, impossible year, it's not as cringey as it sounds, lol but it's not that angsty, love me, phanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-29 00:17:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7662760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andedan/pseuds/Andedan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The year is 2012 and Dan and Phil are growing more distant than ever. They bicker, yell, and ignore each other, all while wondering if things will ever go back to the way they used to be. (Angsty songfic based on Impossible Year by Panic! at the disco)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Impossible Year

 

_ There’s no sunshine _

You avoid his eyes as your hand brushes against his whilst grabbing for your cereal box. You try not to interact with him; it will just make everything harder for both of you. You push away any of the thoughts you have of him, but they keep on coming back.

That’s it, Dan. Now that you’ve lost him, there’s no sunshine anymore. Your mind twists and turns, remembering when you were okay. Actually, you were better than okay. All because of him. He made you smile when the rest of the world seemed to be against you. When you first met on that fateful day in 2009, you couldn’t sleep; you were too giddy with excitement. When he suggested that you move in together, your heart swelled. How could ever you say no? You bet that if he could flash forward in time he would choose to never meet you.

 

_ Only black days and sky grey and clouds full of fear _

You wish that someone else had bothered him, messaged him, met him, and moved in with him. You wish that someone else had kissed him on the Manchester Eye. You wish that you weren’t so eager in the first place. Then maybe he wouldn't have made that video. Then maybe everything would be okay. 

Or perhaps it was your fault in the first place. You were the mess, the uni dropout, the guy with the existential crisis. 

But you didn't want to be outed. Too soon, too soon. How would the fans react? You didn't want to just be know as “the gay guy” on YouTube. Dammit, you're not even gay, you're bi. But terms don't matter when you're unwillingly outed. 

It’s hard, ignoring Phil. You still blush when he talks, but instead of embracing it like you used to, you cringe. Thoughts keep on flooding into your head and you want them out. 

 

_ Just a beachfront of bad blood and a coast that's unclear _

The next time you see him, you're editing your latest video in your bedroom. Suddenly there are four knocks at your door. Nice reference, Phil. Maybe even too good of a reference, as you're almost certain of your impending doom. 

He walks in, almost oblivious. “Dan?” He asks. 

You bury your nose into your computer as to ignore him. “Go away, I'm editing,” you say, almost monotone. As if you don't care. Oh, you wish that you didn't fucking care. But you care, too much. 

Phil attempts to sit on your bed and put his arm around you. You swat his arm away and scoot over. He looks at you in the eye, and you try not to look into his piercing blue eyes. “Dan, why are you doing this?” He asks you.

In response you just push him further away. You block him out and try to focus on editing your video, no matter how dull it is. Nearly dying of boredom is better than facing your fears. 

He sighs, rolls his eyes, and begins to walk away from you. But before he leaves, he turns around to face you. “Dan, if you ever need to talk, I’m here for you. You’re not alone, you know that, right?” he asks. You can see that he’s concerned, that he’s worried for you. You know that, but you’re not thinking quite right. 

“Go away!” You yell. 

He walks away without giving you a second glance and shuts the door. “Is this what you want, Dan?” He shouts from the hallway.

You bury yourself under the covers of your bed. Hot, wet tears slowly seep out of your eyes as you shake and shudder. You’re not sure if things will ever go back to how they used to be. The two of you, happy. The two of you, confident. The two of you, okay. The two of you, in love.

And somehow you feel more alone than you ever did before.

_ All the guests at the party, they’re so insincere _

Whenever you open up your social media, it’s bombarded with messages. You’re not sure what to think of them, whether they’re positive or negative. Yes, it’s good that you and Phil have such an active fan base, but could they mind their own business for a change? Your Twitter is full of fans tweeting you, wondering about your relationship with Phil. Your Tumblr is loaded with asks about what has been going on with the two of you, concerns, and even questions about the video-which-shall-not-be-named. You wonder if they have any respect for your privacy. And you don’t even want to get started on the YouTube comments. Trolls think that it’s fun to comment about how “gay” your videos are and call you rude slang terms. As if you didn’t struggle with your sexuality for years and now you are again, due to the force the world has put upon you.

Just for good measure, you make it clear in your next video that you like vagina. Maybe you’re going to far. But then again, maybe you have to. More concerned messages keep on appearing, but you ignore them. Your business is your business, after all. 

 

_ There’s no you and me, this impossible year.  _

It’s lonely without Phil constantly by your side, you’ve realized. You're sitting in your room, mindlessly scrolling through Tumblr. You encounter a cute piece of phanart. You and Phil are in chibi form and are waving through the screen. Phil. You want to call Phil to your room. You almost call him over, but at the last minute you remember that he might try to confront you. So instead you sit by yourself and scroll your feelings away. 

You miss being close to Phil. You miss cuddling and ranting with him. You've felt more alone in these past months than you ever have before. Even more alone than your “I’m So Emo” stage and your “Pre-Phil” stages combined. 

Phil keeps you together. Without him, you'd be a law student, completely done with life. Hell, he doesn't just keep you together, he keeps all of your subscribers together too. And you keep on pushing him away until there's nothing left. 

You wonder if you'll ever get back to the way you were before. Kisses when the camera was off, existential crisis relief, moral support, silly jokes, and PINOFs that didn’t leave you feeling empty. 

You doubt it will ever be that way again. Perhaps there is no hope left for you. 

 

_ Only heartache and heartbreak and gin made of tears _

You don't know where you are or what you're doing. Your thoughts are hazy, replaced with alcohol. Lights dance through your vision, and chatter thunders around your ears. A female silhouette approaches you. She's tall, beautiful, curvy. 

You start talking to her while leaning against the bar. She seems like the ideal girl. Maybe if you fuck her, you'll forget about Phil. Hey, maybe a fan will be here and they'll get the “fyi I like vagina” message. Good idea, Dan, good idea. You show them. Maybe the fucking will keep the pain away.

She seems interested in you, to say the least. You try to look seductive to her, and you guess it works, because now you're making out against the wall. Things begin to heat up, and the bartender whistles. Shit, she's sexy. You know who else is sexy? Phil. 

Phil! Phil. Why are you doing this? You'll just continue losing Phil. 

And it's just your luck that Phil himself taps you on the shoulder whilst you're still with that girl. 

“DAN!” he yells. Fuck. You can see the fire in his eyes. You pull away from the girl. She runs away, not wanting to be caught in this mess. Smart. 

You fling yourself into him. “I'm sorry, Phil,” you drawl. 

“No Dan, not now,” he says. He tries to shake you off of him, but you stay firm on him and plant a kiss on his cheek. 

“Come on Phil, we can work things out,” you slur your words and continue peppering him with kisses. 

He pushes you off of him with force. “Maybe we can, but you're drunk. Let's go home. Dan, I'm disappointed in you. I think we should  talk in the morning.”

Your world goes black. The next morning, your head throbs and your world shakes. You try to remember the events of last night. You're not looking forward to seeing Phil. 

He walks into your room. “Up yet?” He asks. 

You nod and stare at him, dreading your conversation. 

He sits on your bed and starts lecturing you. “Dan, I'm disappointed in you. What were you thinking?”

He sounds so disappointed, so far away. The two of you are so far away. At that moment, you lose it entirely. “You never understand Phil!” You howl. You want to yell more, scream at the world. 

Take a break for a moment to understand this. You and Phil may as well be dominoes. If one of you breaks, so does the other. As you shatter into pieces, so does Phil. And you have been tearing him apart for the past few months. He still smiles, but not as brightly. He has been slowly disintegrating, and your little outburst was all it took for him to break all at once. It's never just Dan  _ or _ Phil; it's Dan  _ and  _ Phil.  

Phil breaks down all at once in that moment. He screams at you, telling you to stop being so selfish. That he just wants to be with you and you're ruining it. That you affect him too. That you're not only hurting him, but the viewers too. That you're a coward for being so scared. 

He slams your door and retreats into his room. 

Through your sobs, you can hear Phil’s from across the room. You don't comfort each other, you keep to yourselves in your own space. Wow, you fucked up majorly this time Dan. 

 

_ These nightmares always hang on past the dream _

_  
_ That night, you dream of a world without Phil. A world where you're lost. You're screaming, you are lost in your own thoughts and there's no escape. There's no sun, just darkness. Phil is yelling at you, “get out of my life” he screams. He's right. His life would be better without you. The fans are sending angry tweets, everyone hates you. Fan mail is falling from the sky, and it's all terrible. You're lonely, you're worried, you're done with the world. 

You wake up covered in sweat. “PHIL!” You call. 

There's no answer. And then you remember today's events. Of course he's not coming, you worthless piece of shit. You curl up into a ball and cry. 

And then you realize that a year without Phil may as well be impossible. 

  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to mu lovely beta for editing this mess. If you enjoyed this, please leave kudos and/or a comment. Should I make a sequel of this to another Panic! song? If you think so, please comment down below.


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